I notice myself identifying with son Colin at this point. And this identification is not good, must be released. Otherwise, how can I assist him?
Here’s the caringbridge post that I just put up:
October 2, 2023: New unbearable nerve pain, on top of the usual waves of nerve pain . . .
Journal entry by Ann Kreilkamp —
Colin called earlier than we usually speak this morning. So I was alerted that something might be up . . .
Yes.
He told me that yesterday, right after Sean left, he began to feel unbearable nerve pain in his thighs (which is mainly where Sean has been working, per cousin Megan’s instructions, to keep the lymph flow via extremely delicate massage).
This new, and stronger nerve pain, which is on top of the usual waves of nerve pain, is periodic. On for five to seven seconds, then off for five seconds. And this new nerve pain never relented, all day long. In order to sleep last night he took a whole pain pill.
This morning, when he woke up, no pain. But as usual, as soon as he moves at all, the new unbearable nerve pain on top of the waves of nerve pain was right there, again, relentless.
“Is there no way to distract yourself from this new pain?”
“No. No way to distract myself.”
The pain specialist visits today. But, as Colin says, she’s so young, looks like she’s in her early 20s. (I.e., what does she really know?)
“Mom, I can’t go through this much pain every day.”
For what might be the first time, I detect a real note of discouragement in Colin.
I did not feel it appropriate, during our call, to again bring up the idea of moving awareness into a more spacious dimension, one which includes the body but is not identified with it. Though I do feel this shift is crucial, I sense that he could not have allowed it in just now.
And after all, he’s right, what do I know? I’m not the one enduring this endless hell.
Please send extra energy, prayers, reiki today. Thanks.
