Yesterday, during an official neighborhood meeting hosted at my house, I noticed myself being snarky, with snide comments on others, who were not present. I noticed this, not as I was doing it, but within a few seconds, due to those present immediately countering, even flooding, the atmosphere with non-snarky responses.

 Thank goodness for other people!

Thank goodness that “all my relations” includes not just the natural world but fellow humans too!

Mitakuye Oyasin!

 

I have a sense that most of us see this Lakota phrase as helpful for us to feel our interconnectedness, our “interbeing,” with all more or less fleeting forces within the ever flowing web of life; every creature or any size or temperament, every structure and process in this mysterious multiverse. I’ve long identified with this phrase, and find Nature herself deeply welcoming.

But other people! That’s where I fall short.

Very short.

Even so, I realize that the only way I learn about myself is through relations with others. And am eternally grateful for the mirrors they provide.

I see the origins of what seems to be my lifelong tendency to snarkiness as stemming from my Libran mother. Not that she’s “to blame” for my snarkiness, but she too, was quite capable of this kind of behavior (her Mars in Scorpio). When I was young, my siblings noticed this; I, however, did not. Even though I was the oldest. And it may be because I was the oldest, born so early on. My Dad left for the WWII when I was only nine months old. So it was just the two of us, Mom and me. This, in contrast to my sisters and brothers, all but one of whom who were born after the war, and so by that time, human relations in family life were growing more complex, with more personalities involved, more chances for each of us so see how certain behaviors from others, both sibs and mother, were not helpful in getting along!

 

In any case, whatever the origins, I do of course, also utilize the language of astrology for self-analysis and development. My own chart happens to include a rare triangular formation called a YOD. It includes first house Capricorn Mercury/Venus square (90° friction) (very public) Libra Neptune/MC, plus inconjuncts (150° uncomfortable, constant adjustment) to both primal, generational Pluto in Leo and stern taskmaster Saturn in Gemini, themselves in a harmonious 60° sextile . . .

Here’s the kicker: This entire, and in my case, very tight, difficult triangular YOD formation (with Mercury/Venus/Neptune/MC/Saturn/Pluto)  is also known as a “FINGER OF GOd.” In other words, get with it Ann! Learn this lesson before you die!

 

Meanwhile, my snarky egocentric self is, and has always been, always just a hair’s breadth away. And can infect any atmosphere, like it tried to do in yesterday’s group discussion. Luckily, the other three present were having none of it; and their subtle reach to include me in an atmosphere of kindness, forgiveness, etc. managed to soften my “stance.”

As I said, thank goodness for the “others” in my life! Without them I would not even notice my own projections!

I am so “sick and tired” of my controlling nature!

 

The good news: on today’s early morning walk with Scampi, I noticed what happened yesterday more fully, and then noticed, way more fully than usual, THAT I HAD NOT FORGIVEN MYSELF FOR THAT SUDDEN, ERUPTIVE, EGOCENTRIC BEHAVIOR.

THAT second, higher level noticing, was impactful. In fact, it may be that this was the very first time I noticed it so quickly! I thank my daily, decades-long walking routine, my strong, resilient, 83-year-old body’s daily immersion into the natural world — striding under gigantic sheltering oak trees, myriad twittering birds, scampering squirrels, shadows on pavement with the rising sun —  for my sudden eruptive (Uranus!) capacity to thoroughly forgive myself.

For this was, as usual, the crucial step needed to begin again.

Mitakuye Oyasin!