I’ve been so damn GOOD that I just had to do something BAD

June 19, 2026

It’s true. I’ve been such a very very good girl lately, re: health practices, including what foods I consume, how often each day, exercise patterns, etc. etc., that I began to notice a certain internal longing. Every time I went to  nearby Aldi or our Bloomington Co-op, I would notice it: a tendency to want to veer in the direction of “processed food,” sugar, and/or stimulants like caffeine (I allow myself only an ounce or two of coffee each day).

It pissed me off, this longing. Pissed me off that I couldn’t just permanently adjust to the constraints I’ve put myself under, all in the interests of continued good health, and avoidance of allopathic medicine. As if I was still a little kid, wanting to sneak and do something bad.

But: I was a very very good girl back then, too.

Okay, enough ranting. Here is how I decided to satisfy that longing. I got this Protein Frappe (Mocha) at Aldi yesterday, held it overnight in the fridge, wanting to wait until the midpoint of this 84th year, which would be the 19th of June, and opened it just a few minutes ago.

BTW. It’s not very good. Not nearly as good as the chilled Starbucks Frappuchino I get at a gas station whenever I embark on a road trip.

But seriously. What is this need to balance good with bad? Or at least to allow a tiny sliver of it to leak/sneak in? Well, I should have known. Of course! It’s yin/yang!

I mean DUH!

Get a grip, girl!

Of course! I knew this. I’ve known this. In fact, I’ve dictacted (new word?) forever on the need to continuously engage and balance the opposites, that there is never one without the other, that the creative impulse ignites in the space between them.

For example, here’s an excerpt from a farily recent post on socialism:

11/11/25. I reflect on Socialism . . .

Excerpt:

And that’s what’s going on within me now. The “obvious polarity within mind and body;” which includes: “Notice, both these poles are mentally generated”!!

Given that I’m 83.5 years old (as of today!), and so want to prolong good health as long as possible, the (double Sagittarian) mind has been determined to take charge of the willful (Moon in Taurus) body, via various daily practices that I call “physical culture,” — and has done so, quite successfully! But the body — and by that I really mean the unconscious, which I consider to be coterminous with the body — senses the whole, not just the part: not just good girl, but bad girl; not just discipline, but freedom.

Or, as google’s Gemini AI puts it:

Given that I was born into the generation with Uranus/Saturn conjunct in Gemini (1942-43), the tension between freedom and discipline is both strong and lifelong. Plus, since it’s in Gemini, I’m continuously rolling this tension around in my mind, trying to make sense of it, noticing how it affects every area of my life!

Mea culpa, for those who are bored with my preoccupation!

Meditation on My Early Morning Walk

June 18, 2026

TT 2 WALKING and where it leads

 

Back in my mid-20s, on my usual four miles a day walk — a habit I had ignited in high school — but now with two small sons with me, one lying in buggy, one sitting on top, I remember very clearly, like it was yesterday, the day when I saw an old woman approach from the other direction on the narrow sidewalk. She looked scared, defeated. As if she knew she would be ignored.

My mind, usually so busy I hardly noticed what was going on around me, inexplicably let go. I stopped, and rolled slightly to one side, enough to make it easy for her to pass. As she did there was such a shining light of appreciation in her eyes. Her opened heart found my heart — and opened it. Lifted me out of daily doldrums. An astonishing moment.

Ever since then, I’ve been enjoying hugely these chance meetings with folks who are walking in the opposite direction. Usually, they at least respond to my smile, by smiling themselves. Our hearts lift, briefly, mutually. I’d say about 95% of passers-by do greet me. Once in a while of course, there is the outlier, who basically finds me, an old woman much like the one I stopped for nearly 60 years ago, invisible. And, yes, these days, there’s likely something in his or her ears, occupying attention otherwise.

That happened this morning. But it is so exceedingly rare! And here’s what’s weird: every time it does, I am still crestfallen! Luckily, I also notice my automatic reaction; so do not take it personally.

And of course, having Scampi with me is key to an almost guaranteed repartee, IF the other person also walks with a dog. As we approach, I ask, “Okay if we say hello?” Usually, the other is eager. Once in a blue moon, the walker says his dog is too rambunctious, or “doesn’t like other dogs.” But even that refusal sometimes dissolves, thanks to Scampi’s curiosity, his fearless approach to another dog, no matter what its size, or temperament.

And when we dog walkers do meet and talk, often while continuously uncrossing the leashes our dogs are continuously crossing in their utter eagerness to get to know each other, of course, our conversation centers on our dogs. Their names, ages, breeds, how long we’ve had them, etc. This “factual” conversation hides something much more profound: connection, real, genuine, authentic connection between two human beings who are learning from their dogs how to be real, in the moment, no matter what.

P.S. Yes. GOD IS DOG SPELLED BACKWARDS.