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Reflections on MARRIAGE: My four marriages; my “new theory of marriage”

October 1, 2026

Autumn . . . The falling leaves . . . drift past my window . . .

Autumn. Annual nostalgia time. But given extra oomph when one is old, very old.

Last night I called my long-time, 84-year-old friend Claudia; we talked for probably an hour. At one point she suddenly said, “We’ll never see each other again.” To which I agreed. (She lives off the coast of Seattle; and both of us now forgo flying long distances.) I then continued: “And I’ll probably never see any of my siblings again, either.” (Two are deceased. Six of us remain alive. I am the oldest.)

I met Claudia back in 1985, half a lifetime ago. In San Francisco. She attended one of my astrology presentations; we were arranged in a seated circle, and she plunked herself down directly across from me. Thus began probably the most important relationship of my long life, since I was able to “process” anything with her, anything. She always had a perspective that I needed, always. And what I was always processing, was, for the first 25 years that we knew each other, relationships with men. (She, remarkably enough, had already let go of male/female relationships.)

Personal Processing

 

This week, I’ve been looking back at those relationships, in order to begin to fill a category called “relationships” on my tendrepress.com site. (Not even sure if that category is set up yet. If so, it will be, and soon!)

In any case, what strikes me especially, is how each of my “romantic” (I put the word in quotes because what it evokes seems so silly now!) relationships with men was a huge teacher. In fact, that given my fiery, take-charge nature, this is how I learned. I needed to have a person across from me whom I was attempting to control — and failing! Of course. One does not control another. I know that now. Sure took me awhile!

Okay. So here are two essays. The first sets out the chronology of my four marriages: 6 years, 2 years, 1 year, and 12 years respectively, and all between the ages of 20 and 60.

The second essay situates those cycles (for that is what they were, ontologically) in what — way back in 1981! — I labeled A New Theory of Marriage. And wow, I’d say that essay is even more meaningful now, over 40 years later.

I’VE BEEN MARRIED FOUR TIMES

 

Excerpt:

 

TOWARDS A NEW THEORY OF MARRIAGE

 

It begins:

 

Let’s face it. Whatever goes on in this embodied life, if we are conscious, we begin to categorize our own memories in terms of patterns. Patterns, i.e., space/time cycles which then, once any particular cycle closes, we can look back and to see it as “meaningful.” In fact, that’s what “meaningful” means!

And that means that the longer we live, the more patterns we can identify and recognize. Life, simply, grows richer and richer and richer. So grateful for these nearly 84 years!

 

 

Reflections on PROJECTION: personal, interpersonal, group, national

September 30, 2026

I’m amazed that a deep understanding of “projection” is still not widespread in society. How do I know? On a walk with a very smart friend a few days ago, I discovered that she had no idea that what she perceives as her ex-husband’s flaws are actually lodged deeply within her own self! And yes, she was utterly shocked when I mentioned it.

Remembering back to when I first heard of the concept: back in the late ’60s, when I was in graduate school, and a friend of mine was in psychoanalysis. Luckily, I asked her about it when I heard her use this word, “projection,” in what to me, was a weird way.

Ever since then, I’ve gone around the world more or less aware that whatever I’m perceiving in the outer world, especially whatever I’m perceiving emotionally, instinctively, is a reflection of what’s going on inside me.

I didn’t need to go through psychoanalysis to come to this understanding, thanks to my friend.

The word “projection” was first used psychologically by Sigmund Freud.

However, it was C.G. Jung who developed the concept to the point where it is utterly useful in both understanding our inner lives and navigating the world.

I just asked Gemini AI: “What did Jung add to Freud’s notion of projection?”

And got this. Bingo.

Can you imagine how the world would change if “projection,” as Jung understood it, was taught in schools? Was discussed by lovers, in families and among friends?  Entered into national negotiations with other nations? On and on. There is nothing, no so-called “evil” that won’t dissolve when brought under this internal spotlight.

And notice: Whoever or whatever gets labeled as “bad,” or “evil” becomes the “scapegoat.”

Asking Gemini AI: “What is Jung’s notion of scapegoat?”

And got this:

Remember back to the “Russia Russia Russia” days?  For how long did Russia carry the collective shadow? Or, I should say perhaps, how long has Russia been carrying the collective shadow? For it’s nowhere near done.

Again, I asked Gemini AI:

And surprise! The finger points both ways. “Russia has actively shared a dual collective shadow with the United States for roughly 80 years.”

I’d like to think things have changed. But have they? And what will it take for them to truly change? I’d say we need to start, right here, at home, inside the self, paying attention to who or what we tend to at least “dislike,” and possibly “hate,” recognizing that what we perceive in the outside world is a projection of an aspect of our own self that exists in denial.

As we do this, we engage in a truly remarkable discovery process that simply goes on and on, because, of course, no matter how long we live, we are always seeing in the outside world both what we like and what we dislike.

It’s the “dislikes” that hide the gold.